For me, faith, like love, is a gift. It is a matter of heart not mind. One cannot ask to possess it, one cannot get rid of it. It is unknown, undefinable, indescribable, un’mudeng’able. One cannot push beyond one’s limit to understand it.
P. Donny once told me that it is about hope (if I remember it right)t; … Yup…there were times when I reached my limit, when I felt like ‘shit’… and I just need a kind of ‘hope’ in a seemingly long blindly dark tunnel… something that no matter how inhumane, absurd, and irrational is where I can just do, like Anton often says jokingly, ‘sendhekke wae…’
Simply say, in this fast roller-coaster like life, torn between tradition and knowledge, I personally think that I should not stop searching for the way to understand ‘it’… not yet... at least… not at this moment. I do not want to put myself in a category of ‘believer’ or ‘non-believer’ as I trust that I am still not qualified enough to claim myself to be one of it.
I do not want to be a ‘non-believer’ just because I am too lazy or I don’t find praying/going to church fun or I just don’t like people telling me what to do. Also, I do not want to be a ‘believer’ just because it is a must, it is a tradition or I am afraid of what others might think about me. And hey… I go to Church (almost) every Sunday because I want to not because I have to…
Well, there is still a long way for me to go… it’s a kind of challenge for me… even if I find nothing at the end… I enjoy the thrill of this quest… :p
& a cup of smouldering ‘Kapal Api’ coffee,
& Avantasia’s In Quest For…
Ps. If you believe in what you believe in (in your case by not believing it) you also have to respect what others’ believe in. It is so absurd that people can mould it, they can appropriate it in a way they want it to be... Even by saying that they don’t believe it, I am afraid… That is to say that the most devious player of this game of faith is ‘man’ (and woman of course…)… :D…