Me and my reflection ...

One day, Felix and Igor showed up in our ‘base camp’, telling me about some of their stupid acts when they were younger. I laughed and commented that ‘I was born intelligent, so I never did dump acts’. Suddenly Felix turned to me and asked ‘Tell me about the clever things that you did’. And I stayed numb. Speaking frankly, it was the first time someone asked me that question, ‘what things that I have done??’ It becomes a reflection of my lifetime…’what have I done so far, for myself…for other people?’ Were they clever acts or just plain acts or stupid acts??

Time flies, and sometimes it flies so fast I cannot catch up with it. I do not have time to just stop for a while and think back about things I have done. I come with many responsibilities, to my work, to my students, to my family, to myself. The responsibilities, most of the time, bind me to a never ending duties of fulfilling others’ needs, conforming people’s norms and needs. Working and doing things I might not probably want to do but have to do. I agree, 100% agree, with Peter Parker’s aka Spiderman’s uncle who said that ‘With great power comes great responsibility’. Of course I do not have super power like Peter Parker but in a way or another that’s how I feel about myself, always.

I was born as the eldest in my family, just like the other eldest in the family; I am expected to be the model for my sister and brother(s). And as someone who is really aware of that situation, ‘I took and am still taking those responsibilities seriously … very seriously indeed.’ Even if I have to die to do the responsibilities, I will do it anyway. I do keep those responsibilities everywhere … At times, the duties, my duties kill me …

Fortunately, I was born as a positive thinking type of person, I can always see the good side of everything…and with my ‘intelligence’ I can always understand other people (which is sometimes misinterpreted as simply ignorant). So … I survive so far.

Those responsibilities also bring a paradox in my life because people I know always judge me as ‘ignorant, wild, rebellious, stubborn, crazy, blunt, carefree (not the brand of women’s napkin), not negotiable, rude, reckless, and restless’. I don’t mind what they are saying because that’s probably who I also am. But seriously…I don’t know why they think about me that way. It is probably because I do things my own way or I am just simply ignorant person who doesn’t care about the standardized values or norms. Or it is just because I was born to be different…

So, I am a combination of a serious…a deadly serious person…who always questions everything, the act that drives me mad most of the time because I cannot stop thinking about things…I cannot stop that and they make me dizzy… and make others confuse about me. At the same time I am an easy going person who can laugh hard at my own mistakes or others’ silly acts no matter they like it or not.

Now I get confuse about myself so I have to stop writing… and have to find my true self. When I find it, I’ll write it to let you know…

Empty space

Saw a full view of you
Sitting, working, chatting,
speaking, laughing, humming songs of love

Never dare to say words in my heads
happy just to hear your voice, had you around,
shared your happiness and sadness secretly

It’s now an empty chair
Though the smell of your perfume lingers
No trace of you anymore but memories