Me and my reflection ...

One day, Felix and Igor showed up in our ‘base camp’, telling me about some of their stupid acts when they were younger. I laughed and commented that ‘I was born intelligent, so I never did dump acts’. Suddenly Felix turned to me and asked ‘Tell me about the clever things that you did’. And I stayed numb. Speaking frankly, it was the first time someone asked me that question, ‘what things that I have done??’ It becomes a reflection of my lifetime…’what have I done so far, for myself…for other people?’ Were they clever acts or just plain acts or stupid acts??

Time flies, and sometimes it flies so fast I cannot catch up with it. I do not have time to just stop for a while and think back about things I have done. I come with many responsibilities, to my work, to my students, to my family, to myself. The responsibilities, most of the time, bind me to a never ending duties of fulfilling others’ needs, conforming people’s norms and needs. Working and doing things I might not probably want to do but have to do. I agree, 100% agree, with Peter Parker’s aka Spiderman’s uncle who said that ‘With great power comes great responsibility’. Of course I do not have super power like Peter Parker but in a way or another that’s how I feel about myself, always.

I was born as the eldest in my family, just like the other eldest in the family; I am expected to be the model for my sister and brother(s). And as someone who is really aware of that situation, ‘I took and am still taking those responsibilities seriously … very seriously indeed.’ Even if I have to die to do the responsibilities, I will do it anyway. I do keep those responsibilities everywhere … At times, the duties, my duties kill me …

Fortunately, I was born as a positive thinking type of person, I can always see the good side of everything…and with my ‘intelligence’ I can always understand other people (which is sometimes misinterpreted as simply ignorant). So … I survive so far.

Those responsibilities also bring a paradox in my life because people I know always judge me as ‘ignorant, wild, rebellious, stubborn, crazy, blunt, carefree (not the brand of women’s napkin), not negotiable, rude, reckless, and restless’. I don’t mind what they are saying because that’s probably who I also am. But seriously…I don’t know why they think about me that way. It is probably because I do things my own way or I am just simply ignorant person who doesn’t care about the standardized values or norms. Or it is just because I was born to be different…

So, I am a combination of a serious…a deadly serious person…who always questions everything, the act that drives me mad most of the time because I cannot stop thinking about things…I cannot stop that and they make me dizzy… and make others confuse about me. At the same time I am an easy going person who can laugh hard at my own mistakes or others’ silly acts no matter they like it or not.

Now I get confuse about myself so I have to stop writing… and have to find my true self. When I find it, I’ll write it to let you know…