not today

I love you always
But not today
Today I wanna break
From the things I know
From the things I do

Aku tak pulang untukmu

Aku adalah burung yang sudah terbang jauh dari sarangku.
Dan sarang yang dulu bukan lagi sarang yang aku kenal.
Sekalipun aku singgah ke sarang itu ditengah terbang panjangku,
Tempat itu tak lagi punya arti sama di hatiku,
Sama seperti kita berdua yang sudah menjadi orang-orang yang berbeda dengan berjalannya waktu…
Aku tahu kamu ingin aku pulang.
Aku pun ingin pulang.
Namun aku ingin kamu tahu satu hal.
Kalaupun aku pulang, aku tak pulang untukmu.
Aku pulang hanya untuk singgah sebentar untuk kemudian pergi lagi.
Singkatnya waktu singgahku tak memungkinkanku bersamamu.
Aku tak berani membuat janji.
Aku takut mengecewakanmu.
Aku takut membuatmu sedih.

Flirting in FB

Flirting sama orang yang baru kenal di FB? Haha… nggak tahu ya. I am not a flirt, I am a serious person. Tapi kalau kepala lagi pusing dan otak sudah nggak sanggup merangkai kata lebih dari 5 kata berturut-turut, chatting yang nggak jelas sering terjadi. Meski most of the time I have my on-line chat off, ada aja yang sempat ‘menangkapku’ saat on-line chatku on. Biasanya melibatkan anak (ANAK) ingusan yang entah kenapa selalu tak pernah mengecek info FB-ku lebih dulu sebelum ngajak ‘chat’ atau mungkin mereka tak percaya sama info2 di FB yang sering menyesatkan. Check them out:
@-ike, FNG (fvking new guy)

1.
FNG - Thanx udh di-add
@ - sama-sama
FNG - Masih sekolah apa kerja?
@ - kerja
FNG - Dimana?
@- di semarang. Ngajar bahasa Inggris.
FNG - Pinter bahasa Inggris dong.
@ - ya gitu deh
FNG - Aku pengin belajar bahasa inggris
@ - bayar! :D
FNG - nggak gratis?
@ - tekor kl semua minta gratis.
FNG - Cuma buat aku
@ - business is business
FNG - Hahahahaha matre ternyata
@ - biar! :p

etc., etc….

2.
FNG – Hai
@ - Hai juga
FNG – rumahmu Manyaran?
@ - iya
FNG – rumahku juga di Manyaran.
@ - O ya?
FNG – main ke rumah boleh?
@ - aku sdg nggak di semarang
FNG – dimana?
@ - western Australia, sekolah
FNG – masak?
@ - eh bener ya. Dapat beasiswa.
FNG – kuliah?
@ - iya S3
FNG – udah tante2 ya ternyata
@ - jadi ibumu juga pantas :p
FNG – umurmu berapa?
@ - baca info dong. Infoku valid.
FNG – 20 apa 30-an?
@ - Lahir 1971
FNG – 30-an berarti ya?
@ - matematikamu pasti jelek ya :p
FNG – Pengin main ke Australia
@ - Ayok aja
FNG – Nggak punya uang

etc. … etc. …

3.
FNG – malam2 kok masih ol
@ - kamu juga ol
FNG – lagi apa?
@ - belajar
FNG – hahahahaha
@ - kok ketawa?
FNG – knp enggak?
@ - lg pusing kok diketawain 
FNG – terus harus apa?
@ - ya dihibur gitu
FNG – ya udah, diulang
@ - ak lagi pusing belajar 
FNG – belajar yang rajin biar nilainya bagus.
@ - yaaahhhh… gariinggg… :p

etc. etc…

Serpihan jiwa

Aku menawarkan padamu apa yang tak bisa kulakukan
Ketika tiba waktunya kau datang untuk menagih janjiku

Aku tak sanggup melihatmu
Tanpa melihatmu pun aku tahu apa yang kau lakukan
Kau berlutut dengan dua tangan terbuka didepan dada
Dua tangan dengan hatimu diatasnya
Memintaku untuk menerima hati itu

Bayangan rantai, pisau cukur, dan besi panas berkelebat di depanku
Aku bisa merasakan dinginnya rantai itu
Bahkan sebelum rantai itu mengikat tanganku
Aku bisa merasakan pedihnya kulit kepalaku
Bahkan sebelum rambut di kepala ini dicukur paksa
Aku bisa merasakan sakitnya luka bakar
Bahkan sebelum besi panas membara itu dicapkan di dada kiriku

Tidak…
Aku tak mau sakit
Tidak…
Aku tak mau menderita
Tidak…
Aku tak mau disalahkan

Aku tak mau melihatmu
Aku tak bisa menerima pemberianmu
Aku berdiri kaku kelu melantunkan kata ‘tidak’ dan ‘maaf’ ribuan kali
Aku membutakan mataku menulikan telingaku menumpulkan rasaku

Tapi aku tak mampu meninggalkanmu

Aku biarkan tubuh ini terkoyak perlahan
Hancur menjadi serpihan-serpihan kecil dan halus
Tak bernama tak berbekas
Ringan melayang tertiup angin
Terbang menjauh darimu dan hatimu

Kadang angin membawa sisa serpihanku di dekatmu
Aku bisa melihatmu
Aku bisa menyentuhmu
Aku bisa mendengar tawamu
Aku bisa merasakan airmatamu

Ada saatnya kau menyebut namaku
Ada saatnya kau memanggilku
Ada saatnya kau mengoyak hatimu
Hati yang tak pernah lagi kau simpan dengan baik
Hati yang kau biarkan liar menghancurkan banyak hati lain

Bahkan dalam bentuk serpihan pun aku harus membayar hutangku
Hutang yang tak pernah mau kubayar, hutang yang selamanya tak bisa kubayar

Aku tak punya mulut lagi untuk meminta maaf padamu
Aku tak punya mata lagi untuk menangis untukmu
Aku tak punya tangan lagi untuk memelukmu
Aku tak punya bibir lagi untuk mengecupmu
Aku tak punya hati lagi untuk mencintaimu

Aku merasa akulah yang salah
Aku merasa aku meninggalkanmu
Aku merasa aku menghancurkanmu

Kalaupun aku tetap harus membayar kesalahanku
Aku tak tahu lagi apa yang bisa aku lakukan
Serpihanku bukan abu burung phoenix yang membakar diri
Yang bisa menjelma kembali menjadi burung muda nan indah
Serpihanku adalah debu yang tak mungkin disatukan lagi

Belum cukupkan aku membayar kesalahanku dengan hancurnya diriku?
Kenapa kau masih menuntutku untuk bertanggung jawab terhadap hidupmu?

For myself and my freedom ...

Forgive me for ignoring both of you ...

For putting both of you in the bottom of my to-do list ...

For placing both of you in the furthest corner of my heart ...

I hope it is temporary ...

Although I know it is scary ... please stay there and wait for me to come back...

Always trust that I won't lose both of you: 'myself and my freedom' in the way ...

Miss you much ...

Why do we ‘hate’ our rivers?

This Friday’s seminar is Stephen Dobb’s study on the river (or creek as he calls it.. :D…) of Singapore. He explained the functions of this river in Singapore with all the historical backgrounds around it. He described that many cafés, business and entertainment areas and amusement parks are built along this river which make it alive and look prosperous. Off course his point is not to promote Singapore and its river but all the difficulties related to freedom of press, speech and academic in Singapore when he did his study about the river.
All and all but it is the functions of that river which really struck me. I’ve never been to Singapore (one day I’ll go there) but I’ve seen other place where rivers are really developed nicely. 150 m from my now so called home, there is a beautiful playground where you can find a place to let your children roam free and free of charge. 50 m from that ground, there is a bird sanctuary and 100 m ahead there are two small jetties where the children and adults can simply enjoy; one small coffeeshop for a glass of hot chocolate or coffee; and many benches where people can sit down and enjoy the view.
Stephen’s story about the river made me think back about our river(s). A couple of years back then (thanks to PMLP), I joined a river cruise/excursion. We had two boats cruised along Banjir Kanal Barat river. A great experience but with very sad feeling at heart. To be honest, and it was true that the river was so dirty, full of trashes. The river smelled terriblly. It was so muddy. From the river, it was not beautiful view but ‘disgusting’ view of the city. Only on the way back when I faced the sea, I could enjoy the view of afternoon horizon.
I know that it is not fair to compare the river I enjoy in Crawley with the river I (did not) enjoy in Semarang. But I want to point put that it is our attitude toward the river(s) which matters. Somehow I feel that we do not love our rivers. It is not only the matter of throwing and dumping garbages and trashes to the river but the fact that we do not “LOVE” it. We only use it. It is there for us to take for granted. We never take our time to enjoy and love them. We do not treat them as something to enjoy but something to use and abuse. And it’s bad and sad.
While many houses along the Swan Rivers here are built deliberately to face the river (they are called Riverside houses; and they are expensive to rent and to buy), many houses along our rivers are built with their ‘back’ facing the river (as I also saw in Lasem). For me, it is as if we turn our back on the rivers, our rivers. Do we hate or do we feel ashamed to see our own rivers? Or else? I wonder why.


Ps. Thames river in London is a very busy, and highly polluted (I think) river surrounded mostly with working-class neighbourhood; added with a very gloomy atmosphere of London at winter certainly did not promise anything beautiful to see. Yet when I happened to pass it by, it was beautifully dark and gloomy with yellowish reflection of streetlamps. Meaning that it was enjoyable in its own sense. Lasem river was also enjoyable. I cruised along the river with pak TR and pak Adhy, some spots offered gorgeous views look like European-style playgrounds (some photos can be seen in the Java Institute website).

Time

Time passes by … without saying hello, without saying good bye… why don’t you stop by so we can talk about things you and I have been through… and just wait for me to come with you… I know I’ll go if you want me to… visiting places, visiting people…but now I just want you to stay … to stand still…