"Swallowed In The Sea" - Coldplay

You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea

You put me on a line
And hung me out to dry
And darling that's when I
Decided to go to see you

You cut me down to size
And opened up my eyes
Made me realize
What I could not see

And I could write a book
The one they'll say that shook
The world, and then it took
It took it back from me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
And you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea

Ooh...

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

The streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

Oh what good is it to live
With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive
Not loving all you see

Oh the streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

You belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
Yeah, you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

She’s alone

She is standing alone

Half covered by the car parked

Others are walking briskly

Passing her without taking notice

The night is creeping

The busy street is now deserted

People are ready to rest

She is still there standing

I am ready to go

Leaving a half empty glass of chocolate latte

And an empty plate of donuts

I am passing her without saying a word

She’s still standing there … alone…

@48cool

Me and my reflection ...

One day, Felix and Igor showed up in our ‘base camp’, telling me about some of their stupid acts when they were younger. I laughed and commented that ‘I was born intelligent, so I never did dump acts’. Suddenly Felix turned to me and asked ‘Tell me about the clever things that you did’. And I stayed numb. Speaking frankly, it was the first time someone asked me that question, ‘what things that I have done??’ It becomes a reflection of my lifetime…’what have I done so far, for myself…for other people?’ Were they clever acts or just plain acts or stupid acts??

Time flies, and sometimes it flies so fast I cannot catch up with it. I do not have time to just stop for a while and think back about things I have done. I come with many responsibilities, to my work, to my students, to my family, to myself. The responsibilities, most of the time, bind me to a never ending duties of fulfilling others’ needs, conforming people’s norms and needs. Working and doing things I might not probably want to do but have to do. I agree, 100% agree, with Peter Parker’s aka Spiderman’s uncle who said that ‘With great power comes great responsibility’. Of course I do not have super power like Peter Parker but in a way or another that’s how I feel about myself, always.

I was born as the eldest in my family, just like the other eldest in the family; I am expected to be the model for my sister and brother(s). And as someone who is really aware of that situation, ‘I took and am still taking those responsibilities seriously … very seriously indeed.’ Even if I have to die to do the responsibilities, I will do it anyway. I do keep those responsibilities everywhere … At times, the duties, my duties kill me …

Fortunately, I was born as a positive thinking type of person, I can always see the good side of everything…and with my ‘intelligence’ I can always understand other people (which is sometimes misinterpreted as simply ignorant). So … I survive so far.

Those responsibilities also bring a paradox in my life because people I know always judge me as ‘ignorant, wild, rebellious, stubborn, crazy, blunt, carefree (not the brand of women’s napkin), not negotiable, rude, reckless, and restless’. I don’t mind what they are saying because that’s probably who I also am. But seriously…I don’t know why they think about me that way. It is probably because I do things my own way or I am just simply ignorant person who doesn’t care about the standardized values or norms. Or it is just because I was born to be different…

So, I am a combination of a serious…a deadly serious person…who always questions everything, the act that drives me mad most of the time because I cannot stop thinking about things…I cannot stop that and they make me dizzy… and make others confuse about me. At the same time I am an easy going person who can laugh hard at my own mistakes or others’ silly acts no matter they like it or not.

Now I get confuse about myself so I have to stop writing… and have to find my true self. When I find it, I’ll write it to let you know…

Empty space

Saw a full view of you
Sitting, working, chatting,
speaking, laughing, humming songs of love

Never dare to say words in my heads
happy just to hear your voice, had you around,
shared your happiness and sadness secretly

It’s now an empty chair
Though the smell of your perfume lingers
No trace of you anymore but memories

Hatiku

Kuberikan hati ini padamu
Kau tak perlu merawatnya
Kau boleh membuangnya kalau kau mau
Aku tak membutuhkannya lagi
Cukup bagiku merasakan yang kurasa kini
Biarlah aku hidup tanpa hatiku
Mungkin lebih baik begitu

Give me reasons to be happy …

I feel empty today. I feel that I wanna cry but I know that I shouldn’t cry because I cry for nothing.

I should be happy that it’s the future he seeks
I should be happy that finally the time comes to let him go
I should be happy that hopefully he’ll grow up to be a better person
I should be happy that he’ll learn something new
I should be happy that he’ll see a new world
I should be happy that he’ll be happy
I should be happy that he’ll start to realize his dreams

But speaking frankly, I am not happy at all. Point zero. I miss his presence.

August 2009
@48cool

Stop the Clocks - W.H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.